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When I’m not Sure I can Do It

I’ve been (mostly) vigilant about keeping a positive attitude; focusing on what’s working in my life rather than what isn’t; and sticking to a daily to-do list of a minimum of five items before lapsing back into procrastination mode. But to be honest, while this past week wasn’t terrible it was full of false starts and spinning wheels, stuck in the mud. On Friday, I sat in my armchair just staring out at False Creek, not thinking much of anything for a couple of hours except that I’m not sure I can do it (“it” being defined as pretty much anything).

After another job hunting related disappointment, I’m almost past the belief that a full-time job is an attainable goal at this point in my life. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It might be just the wake up call I need to sink or swim as a freelancer. Since I’ve been freelancing, I’ve heard several people say (all of them freelancers themselves) that being a freelance copywriter is not for the faint of heart. On days when I’m really struggling, yes, I confess, my heart is faint. I’m not sure that I can deal with the stress of uncertainty about where the next gig is coming from, or the constant feeling I’m not measuring up, or the thoughts of financial insecurity.

I don’t know how to get to a place where I feel like I’m successful, but after last week, I am more determined and committed than ever to making it work. Intellectually, I know that staying in the moment, being fully present in the now is the best worry buster there is. And even though it seemed that I spent most of the weekend at the computer, working on developing a freelancing blog and updating my websites, I feel that I have redefined some basic goals and in the process, addressed a couple of niggling issues.

I’m resolved to enjoy the journey.

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