I’m Fine

These days, it’s the question I dread the most: “How is your father doing?” I’m glad people ask; that they haven’t forgotten him. That’s not the reason for my trepidation. It’s the answer that I dread. “He’s not getting any worse,” I explain, “but he’s not getting any better.”

I’m glad he’s still with us, but I don’t like to think of the cost.

How Am I?

After asking about my father, typically the next question invariably is, “How are you doing?” Whenever I’m asked this, images of my father lying in a hospital bed spring unbidden to my mind: his hands, when he tries to move them can really hold nothing; his mouth tries to form words that never reach my and my sister’s ears; his eyes often don’t focus, even though he’s “looking” at you. What do I say when the universe is tilting several degrees off its axis, and the messages from my brain to my limbs are misaligned? So I lie.

“I’m fine,” I reply.

Life is Like That

While it feels sometimes that I’m literally falling apart, I suppose I really don’t want this to be “easy;” that too would feel all wrong. So, I focus on the fact that I am here for my dad; that once he read me bedtime stories, but now I read to him. It is sad to see him slip away from my sister and me, but if I concentrate on who he is (my father) and what that means to me (he helped make me into a strong woman), then I guess it is true after all. I. Am. Fine.


2 comments on “I’m Fine

  1. I got tired of the “I’m sorry’s” I kept hearing after my grandmother passed away. I think from now in that situation on I am just going to greet people with a hug, not an apology. I would have rather been held than spoken to during that time. I didn’t tell people that I was fine, my response usually was “oh, you know…” or a shrug of the shoulders. A lot of the times I was ok with it, though I struggled with almost feeling relieved and the guilt that followed.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.